


sweater weather

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Everyone Is Gay, M/M, Minor yuwin, Trans Na Jaemin, Trans Nakamoto Yuta, bc he can and will, minor chuuves, non binary sana, please read the authors notes!, the title doesnt rly make sense idk, yuta cross dresses a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27104200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: life is cruel. it sets you up for high expectations that you’ll never get, tricks you into thinking that everything will be okay if you just say it is. life is heartbreaking, and you only get to experience it once.jaemin thinks that life is a whole set-up. he also thinks that if he’s not already in hell, he’s most likely on his way.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21
Collections: Anonymous





	sweater weather

**Author's Note:**

> BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING: theres mentions of self harm, mentions of homophobic slurs (but like only once), past alcohol abuse, recreational drug use and trauma. it is also implied that jaemin has repressed memories, so please feel free to click/tap off this fic if you are uncomortable with that.
> 
> alright so anyways... basically this had started off as a vent fic after i came out to my dad and... then it turned into a bunch of self reflection and emotions mixed with my love for nomin, with a side of yuwin and chuuves. i have no idea how this happened... but im very proud of myself. p.s. i lost all my formatting because word is stupid like that so uh yeah, if anyone knows how to fix this please message me on my twitter, its @[redacted by op]! thanks!
> 
> (mushroom means its jaemin's pov, stars means its jeno's pov)

life is cruel. it sets you up for high expectations that you’ll never get, tricks you into thinking that everything will be okay if you just say it is. life is heartbreaking, and you only get to experience it once. jaemin thinks that life is a whole set-up. he also thinks that if he’s not already in hell, he’s most likely on his way.

na jaemin, a 20 year old tattoo artist who takes pills to get high and distract himself from his internal problems, is never on time to work, drinks coffee about eight times a day and smokes cigarettes late at night when the world is fast asleep. he’s a lonely mess and he’s not scared of admitting it to himself.

to be fair, he didn't really know why he was like this. he didn’t remember anything about his childhood, so there was no way to tell if it was due to his past or not. what he does know, though, is that his teenage years were full of reeking alcohol and messy, tear stained sweaters that covered his scars from his unforgettable nights of heartbreak. he remembers everything, from the dysphoria he got when he simply looked at his reflection, to the painful shoves from his mother, hurtful words coming out of her mouth as she raised a hand that would soon leave a large purple mark on jaemin’s arms. the nights he would sneak out in his favorite sweater and jeans, spending them with his highschool friends, causing mischief and drinking booze all night long. the burden he would feel when he saw his own body, bringing tears to his eyes and a blade to his wrist.

the memories from his teen years made him feel empty. he felt numb. heartbroken at times, but he escaped all of this by swallowing little white painkillers and smoking cigarettes in the dark while he sat on his rooftop.

in the present time, jaemin was out in the cold, sitting on the edge of his rooftop, legs dangling from where he was sitting, nose and fingertips red from how long he was out in the cold. a small cigarette was placed in between his fingers, and every once in a while he brought it up to his parted lips and inhaled. he blew out, shivering from the cold. not even his endless stock of sweaters or hoodies could cover him from the cold breeze. he found that he didn’t really mind it much though, so he just shrugged it off and continued going about his night.

he sighed and watched as his breath came out visibly, the corners of his lips going upwards. sure, he was shivering, but the cold was his safe place, his euphoria, so he didn't mind it one bit.

jaemin wasn’t sure what it was exactly that he liked about the cold. maybe it was the way it felt on his pale skin, or the refreshing feeling he got when it hit him. he didn’t know, but he wasn’t complaining.

with one last inhale, jaemin threw the half-smoked cigarette from the roof and made his way down. his legs ached from how long they were in the cold, but he managed to pull through.

his feet landed flat on the ground with a thump, and he dusted his clothes off before proceeding to walk back inside.

🍄🍄🍄

it was a cold night, as expected, it was already october, but what jaemin didn't expect, was for it to be this cold.

he was absolutely freezing. even in his home, wrapped up in a blanket and sweater, he was trembling, nose numbing out. he didn't mind it too much, but it did make him want to go out for another quick smoke. he cursed to himself when he realized he'd used up the whole box.

and that's how he ended up walking out of his house again, walking with his hands in his pockets, high tops scraping off of the concrete under him, making his way to the small gas station near him.

walking late at night was nothing new for jaemin. he had done this multiple times before, since he was a young teenager rebelling against his parents. suddenly shying away from studies and being more interested in how many shots he could take before he was completely wasted (newsflash: not that many). sneaking out was normal for him back then, and even though he didn't live with his parents (so it wasn't technically sneaking out anymore), it's still a habit he can't seem to break.

jaemin can't even count how many times he had gotten carried away and ended up pulling an all nighter due to the distraction of staying outside for the night. it was a bad habit, jaemin knew, but he didn't really care and certaintly wasn't making plans to stop.

with one last lazy step, he finally arrived at the glass door that was the entrance to the store. he pulled it open, grip strong on the handle, and was met by the sound of a small bell ringing. jaemin looked around, already knowing where the boxes where but still acted as if he was clueless. finding the small box coated in the colors of white and green, he walked to it and took a pair, walking quickly towards the cashier register to pay for them.

it all went normal, with him paying and then proceeding to leave the small store. before he could do anything though, his eyes wandered over to the tall figure in the corner of his eye.

it was a young man, seemingly around jaemin's age. he had sharp features, leather all over his body, jet black hair, and two piercing eyes that were shooting daggers at jaemin.

jaemin gulped. his fear of tall men (especially ones who looked like.. that, with the leather and everything) was coming back to him. he shrugged it off as if he wasn’t completely terrified and directed his attention back at the cashier.

he payed and was about to turn around until he realized the same young man was closer to him, still staring at him with reddened eyes. he reeked of marijuana - jaemin wasn’t stupid, he’d done it multiple times when he was younger - and jaemin was worried his scent would rub off on him.

“you,” he started off. “look familiar.”

jaemin scoffed. “right. a lot of people look familiar.” he turned his back towards the man, ready to get the hell out of there and go home to relax, but was abruptly stopped by a hand on his shoulder. “no, i’m serious. like, i know you. i think?”

jaemin shook his head quickly. “you’re mistaken. good bye.”

and with that, he walked out of the store, trying to seem unbothered by the events that had just taken place.

he didn’t get very far, however, because the same person who had confronted him in the same store grabbed onto his shoulder and forcefully turned him around. 

the same actions that his mother gave him when he was younger.

jaemin froze, hand clenching the box of cigarettes in his left pocket subconsciously. his chest suddenly felt tighter, breath hitching and becoming fast paced, and he turned around slowly.

“what the fuck?”

“i- i know you, i know i do,” the young man raised an eyebrow, looking concerned yet hopeful at the same time. jaemin panted, feeling himself start to hyperventilate. “is this some kind of joke?”

“no, wait, i know you. i’m positive.” his lips parted open in surprise, eyebrows raising up. “i think.”

jaemin bit his lower lip. “i don’t know you,” he turned back around. “please leave me alone, sir.”

and with that, he left the latter alone in the middle of the gas station to return home to another night of remembering things he didn’t want to remember.

🍄🍄🍄

mornings were always hell for jaemin. 

while he was still young, fresh out of teen years, he’d had his fair share of hangovers from mornings after drunken nights. the worst part wasn’t the fact that he had painful migraines throughout the rest of his day, or the long lectures and scoldings his mother would give him, but it was the fact that he always, always woke up early in the mornings. it was usually around the times 4 a.m. to 8 a.m., and sometimes it was on school days, ending in late passes and overdue assignments, as well as loud shoutings and hurtful words.

this time, it was no different, other than the fact that there was nobody to scold him, or any classes he was running late to.

thanks to nearly being harassed for the first time in three years (and by a stranger, at that), jaemin had barely slept last night. instead of sleeping, he took it upon himself to return to the sharp blade he kept for “useful” purposes. his arms were covered in rough and thick red lines, leaving his untouched pale skin ripped open.

jaemin couldn’t believe it. ‘i was doing so well.’

he sighed and sat up from where he was lying on his bed, ignoring the sharp pain that was jolting upwards to his right shoulder. he checked the time and date, it was 9 a.m. on a sunday, which meant he didn’t have to go to work. great.

memories from the night before flooded his head. how he immediately got in and lit up a cigarette, how the cool blade felt against his skin, how his mother’s harsh touches on him taunted him for years - and it still does. jaemin tried shaking the thoughts away, but to no avail.

after deciding that he would be sleeping all day, jaemin layed back down and pulled the dark grey sheets over himself. he could deal with his problems later, but for now, sleep was the priority.

🍄🍄🍄

when jaemin finally woke up, it was already the next day. he smiled to himself, glad that he managed to forget a nightmare that could’ve easily been mistaken for a dream.

his eyes scanned the room, his vision going slightly blurry, but he ignored it and quickly got up and dressed for his work shift.

it wasn’t like he was scared of being late. of all the times he’d been late, never once was he scolded by his boss joohyun. she knew what he was going through, and although she had given him warnings, she never raised her voice or cursed at him. besides, “its not that big of a deal” (her words, not jaemin’s).

when jaemin had just started working at the tattoo parlor (yes, it was a parlor, a small one that wasn’t very well known thanks to jaemin being kicked from his last job), he had nothing. he was still a teenager, a rebellious 19 year old looking for a place to earn cash so he could get a place of his own. he’d been kicked out of his last job and his home, leading him to look for a place to work at. his first thoughts when he walked in the shop were that of a reckless teen’s, thinking that he could work full time here and take his leave after gathering enough money. he didn’t get very far though, thanks to joohyun being a stubborn little prick (come on. jaemin was a whole 10 inches taller than her) and making him stay for a whole year.

he remembered the time when he did his first tattoo on someone, a small one because he was still an apprentice and needed just a little bit more practice to do major ones. joohyun praised him and gave him many, many pats on the back, and a “thank you” for giving the job a chance. things had been different then, as he wasn’t an apprentice anymore and he’d done his fair share of art on people’s bodies, using them as a blank canvas, although he wasn’t quite known or liked, since he often showed up late to his shifts.

this time was different, though - jaemin decided to be nice and show up on time for once (he was feeling good that day, alright?).

jaemin didn’t necessarily have any other reason to be late other than the fact that he usually popped a few pills here and there, or smoked a couple cigarettes before his shifts. he got along well with his co-workers, since most of them were female (and he’d grown up with females, so he enjoyed their presence). he specifically got along with his co-workers named jiwoo and sooyoung, since the couple were very kind and sympathetic towards him. they didn’t know him as much as joohyun did though, and joohyun barely knew anything herself and jaemin gate kept a lot, so they weren’t going to find out any time sooner.

he also got along with yuta, an artist who had more experience in the parlor. yuta wasn’t like joohyun or jaemin who took their time in making the lining perfect, or jiwoo or even sooyoung who were more delicate in their works, using bright colors and soft whites. no, yuta was more fast-paced, known for getting the job done quick, and rarely ever messed up. he once did a tattoo of a dragon on someone’s leg, going from the top of their thigh to their ankle (sicheng, jaemin believes, was the person’s name). it took yuta quite a while to finish it, as it was a rather large tattoo and although he was fast-paced, not even he could get that big of a tattoo done in such a short time.

compared to jiwoo and sooyoung, yuta was more blunt. he was sympathetic, yes, but he was also hard on his co-workers, no matter what they were going through. his explanation for it was, “if i, a social minority who went from being a homeless little prick on the streets to a bad bitch who can take your ‘mans’ could do it, so can you.” his point was, anyone could work their way to the top, no matter the situation they were in.

and as much as jaemin admired that, he sometimes couldn’t stand the stink eye he got from yuta when he messed up even a little bit. nonetheless, he usually shook it off and decided to not say anything, knowing that if he did, it would just end up in embarrassing himself as yuta went off on him for being disrespectful.

jaemin opened the door, and greeted his fellow co-workers before walking over to the back of the parlor where joohyun usually was at. he was quite early, his shift hadn’t even started yet and he needed to kill time, and his definition of killing time was by making random conversations with random people. so.

“bae joohyun,” jaemin calls out upon walking into the small room. joohyun looks up from her sketchbook and waves at jaemin, looking back down and eliciting a grin from him. she stops waving and looks back up, narrowing her eyes at him.

“you’re early.”

“yes ma’am,” jaemin takes out a chair from under the table and sits on it. he exhales lightly, turning his head back at her, folding his hands. “i’m early indeed.”

she raises an eyebrow and sets down her pencil. “why?”

why? jaemin didn’t know why. what was he supposed to say? “i felt nice today so i came early”? although it was true, she wouldn’t believe that excuse anyways.

“i…” jaemin looks down. joohyun waves her hand in front of him as a sign to look back up, so he does. “it’s okay, i’m glad you’re early.” she smiles at him. “i don’t need an explanation.”

he opened his mouth to thank her, but before he could do that, yuta walked in, stretching out his arms as he did so. “hey bitches,” yuta said, with no bite to his words at all. it was his way of saying hello, calling his friends his “bitches” but in a friendly, loving way.

joohyun scoffed. “hello, yuta.”

yuta walked over to jaemin and ruffled his hair as an endearment, taking the chair beside him and sat down. he crossed his legs and raised an eyebrow at jaemin, looking at him up and down. “why aren’t you late?”

jaemin snorted, ignoring joohyun’s stink eye from across them. “is that your way of saying hello to me?” he grinned, and yuta grinned back. “i guess so,” he got back up, looking at the time on the clock up on the wall. “you should get started. you have a customer scheduled in a few minutes. good luck.” he walked out, and jaemin nodded.

“i’ll get going now. bye, joohyun.” joohyun waved at him, and he walked out after yuta, ready to start the day off properly.

🍄🍄🍄

jaemin wasn’t a stranger to needles. hell, he got his first tattoo when he was 16, small black stars on his wrist that went up to the back of his hand and his fingers. on top of that, he’d also gotten an eyebrow piercing done, as well as his nose (but he removed his nose piercing a while ago), so they didn’t scare him anymore. in fact, they never did, so it was quite easy for jaemin to start using them sooner than he thought.

he never understood why people were so scared of them. it didn’t hurt that much once you got used to it, and there was nothing scary about looking at them. but, he couldn’t really judge, after all, he was scared of bugs, so he didn’t really have an excuse.

the person he was doing a tattoo on today however, was in fact, scared of needles. she ended up crawling away from jaemin and leaving the place, and well… let’s just say joohyun wasn’t very happy about it. it was unprofessional of the person, and although jaemin tried his best to be sympathetic, he couldn’t understand why she had to go out of her way like that.

he sighed. he had a lot of time on his hands, since nobody else showed up that day, so he was basically in the back room, finishing joohyun’s sketch for her. it was a butterfly, one of it’s wings ripped and damaged, while the other wing was fully intact, baby blue in all it’s glory. jaemin knew joohyun liked to use metaphors, and this was definitely no different. he thinks it might be something about duality - but he’s not entirely sure.

he finds himself working on it throughout the evening, only stopping when jiwoo comes in to give him small snacks and bottles of water.

at around 10 p.m., joohyun comes in to tell jaemin she was locking the place up, since it was getting late and everyone already went home. they say their goodbyes, and pretty soon jaemin is out of the place, stopping when he finds yuta blocking his way. yuta stares into jaemin’s eyes, resting bitch face evident on his face, appearing slightly taller thanks to the heels he was wearing. he inhaled deeply, placing his hands on jaemin’s shoulders, and he spoke up.

“you smell,” he inhaled once more. “you smell like… blood.”

jaemin gulped. he internally cursed himself for forgetting to wash the sweater he wore before going to work.

yuta grabbed jaemin’s hand with his own and started walking quickly. jaemin didn’t protest, too afraid of yuta chopping off his head for simply pulling away. after a few moments of stumbling and hearing yuta’s heels scrape off the ground, he ended up in yuta’s car, in the passenger seat next to yuta.

“why?” yuta asked once they were in the car. “why do you smell like that?”

jaemin thought of a good answer quickly. “i’m concerned on why you know what blood smells like.”

this makes yuta laugh, and he shook his head, long silver curls dancing at his sides. “jaemin, i was homeless for three years. i’ve had my fair share of untreated injuries.” he sighs, and looks back at jaemin. “now, tell me. why do you smell like blood?”

jaemin looked away. yuta was too intimidating, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to dodge yuta’s question, for he knew the older wouldn’t believe any of his bullshit lies. yuta could always see right through people, he wasn’t stupid. jaemin pondered for a few minutes, looking out of the big window in front of him. yuta sighs, and starts the car. “you don’t have to tell me. just promise me that you didn’t murder someone.”

jaemin snorts. “do i look like a murderer?”

yuta grins. “sometimes, yeah. buckle up. i’m driving you home.”

“do you even know where i live?” jaemin stares at yuta. the latter shakes his head, keeping his eyes on the rode. “no. where do you live?”

jaemin looks away again. this was going to be a long drive.

🍄🍄🍄

jaemin’s heard of lee taeyong, a 25 year old who worked at the parlor on the weekends, taking jaemin’s place since he wasn’t there. he’s never met the guy, but he has a pretty good idea of what kind of person he is, thanks to the many conversations between jiwoo and sooyoung he may or may not have eavesdropped on. he once heard sooyoung tell jiwoo about the time when taeyong pierced someone’s ears and ended up having joohyun do it because his hands were shaking too much and he didn’t want to hurt the customer’s ears. jaemin had also heard that taeyong was shy, and didn’t really talk to his co-workers at first, and even now he still doesn’t, only clinging to sooyoung even though he rarely spoke to her.

jaemin had a good idea of what he was like. he just didn’t expect him to look the way he did.

in front of jaemin was taeyong himself, cherry red hair in all it’s glory, tight jeans that wrapped around his legs enough to show their figure, multi colored shirt tucked under his jeans and sleeves hidden under the black jacket he was wearing. his green and black painted nails showing through his fingerless gloves, and he brings a hand up to run them through his hair.

jaemin nearly dropped his cleaning wipe.

“hi,” taeyong starts, black lined eyes looking straight at jaemin. “is bae joohyun here?”

jaemin looks around. “uh,” he chuckles nervously, unsure of what to say. “yeah, she…” he trails off, looking down at the floor, suddenly shy. he hears taeyong laugh beside him.

“it’s okay. i’m sorry i didn’t properly introduce myself, that was rude of me.” he held a hand for jaemin to shake it. “i’m lee taeyong. correct me if i’m wrong, but i’m sure you are na jaemin? i take your place on your days off.”

jaemin grins at taeyong. “yeah. i’m jaemin. nice to meet you.”

taeyong nods his head, and looks behind jaemin, seemingly looking for something - or someone. he looks back at jaemin. “i need to make an appointment for my cousin. joohyun’s in the back, right?”

jaemin nods. “or i could do it. if you want,”

taeyong smiles at him. “sure. enter lee jeno for next week on wednesday at 3:30 p.m. please.”

jaemin types in the details into the laptop in the front desk, and looks up when it’s filled. “it’s set.”

“thank you. i’ll see you around, i guess?” taeyong shoves his hands into his front jean pockets (ouch, it looked painful) and looked at jaemin expectedly. “yeah,” jaemin nods. “see ya’.”

(later that day, joohyun asked him who had come in and was surprised to hear that taeyong was looking for her. she ended up shrugging it off, and told him to get back to cleaning the table placed in the center of the back room.

“why,” jaemin whined. “i’ve cleaned enough, yeah?”

joohyun scoffed. “work is work, jaemin.”)

🍄🍄🍄

the days pass by quickly, and soon enough, its already wednesday. nothing much had happened in the past three days, as jaemin and his fellow co-workers did the same routine. he’d heard from sooyoung that someone apparently filled a job application to work there, but he didn’t get to see who it was. nonetheless, he shrugged it off and continued working, sketching here and there, piercing, cleaning, the usual.

except today it wasn’t usual, because taeyong was back. and unfortunately for jaemin, it was his turn to tend to the front desk that day.

“hey jaemin.” taeyong greeted, saluting him with a small smile. jaemin nodded his head towards taeyong as a greeting back, and taeyong sighed and leaned on the desk. “i brought in my cousin. he’s in the car, but he wants to bring in his art ideas early enough so you know what kind of design he wants,” he leaned in close and whispered, “i think he’s high right now though.”

jaemin nearly snorts. he grins at taeyong and nods again, “bring him in.”

he looks back down when taeyong goes to get his brother, scrolling through the article he was reading before taeyong came in (something about the moon turning blue on halloween? jaemin didn’t know, he was skimming through it anyways). he only looked up when the door opened again, revealing taeyong, and a slightly taller person who looked about the same age as jaemin- wait.

it took jaemin only half of a second to realize who it was. it was the same young man who interrupted him at the gas station, about a week ago, and his eyes widened as realization hit him.

“f… fuck.”

taeyong’s cousin - jeno - looks at him back and jaemin thinks he’s seeing a reflection of himself. they stare at each other, and taeyong nervously chuckles, opening his mouth to say something before jeno interrupts,

“oh my gosh! i-i know you! you’re that one guy who i saw at the gas station the other day!” jeno exclaims, and jaemin immediately wants to get up and get the hell out of there. taeyong looks at jaemin, “oh, really? well. i’ll leave you two to work then.”

taeyong takes his leave, and jaemin wants to shrink down and hide from the world for the rest of his life. he watches as jeno walks over to him with a notebook in hand, and then jaemin realizes that jeno is acting differently from the first time they met. he isn’t acting confused, nor is his outfit consisting of leather anymore.

jaemin decides to keep it professional and looks down at the pages, designs sketched onto the blank paper. he finds that jeno’s a pretty decent drawer (nowhere near as good as jaemin though), and he had a good idea of what he wanted, he just wanted jaemin to re-design it because he “sucks at art shit.”

and jaemin complied, because what was he supposed to do? it was his job.

jeno looks at jaemin with hopeful eyes. jaemin looks back, and he sighs. “look.. jeno, i’ll do the tattoo for you. however, i need you to promise me to keep it professional,” jaemin watches as jeno nods, so he continues. “good. i don’t want you coming in here and acting like a fool. i’ve been embarrassed once, it doesn’t need to happen again.”

jeno nods again, and he runs a hand through his jet black hair, shirt lifting up due to the sudden movement. part of his stomach is revealed, and jaemin catches himself looking downwards, instantly smacking himself for being so disrespectful. “well,” jeno speaks up. “i’ll leave now. thank you, and goodbye.”

jaemin nods and waves. he watches jeno leave, and tries to distract himself by getting started on the artwork, not making much progress as yuta keeps interrupting him to rant about how his boyfriend (it was the same person whom yuta did the leg tattoo on, he finds out the name really is sicheng) wasn’t “considering (his) feelings” and jaemin found himself zoning out. pretty soon, yuta gets up and starts gathering his things to leave. he eventually does leave, but not before warning jaemin about not paying attention to yuta when he speaks.

jaemin doesn’t get much sleep that night.

🍄🍄🍄

it’s around 12 a.m. when jaemin wakes up. 

it’s dark outside, but the street lights illuminate his room enough for him to be able to see clearly. he squints at his window, lines of orange sneaking their way out of the blinds. he rubs his eyes, trying his hardest not to pay attention to the pain wrapped tightly around his inner wrist.

jaemin gets up and makes his way towards the door of his room. he walked slowly to the kitchen, looking for the white bottle of painkillers. he couldn’t help it, his head hurt too much for his liking.

he knew he had a problem with keeping his hands off of pills, but it was just this once, and he wasn’t going to go too far with them. right? right?

wrong.

one pill easily turned into another. and then two more, and he found himself getting dizzier by the second. he felt light headed, his stomach twisting at the effect the painkillers had on his head. he chuckled. ‘at least i don’t have a headache anymore.’

jaemin then got dressed and walked out of his house, stumbling on the concrete as he did so. if you asked him what he was doing, he would respond with a simple “i don’t know,” because hell, he literally didn’t know what the fuck he was doing.

sure, his vision blurred at the edges and his stomach felt like shit, but he managed to walk all the way back to the same gas station he was at the previous night. sober jaemin would’ve been internally scolding himself, rambling about how stupid his impulsive decisions were, but the current euphoric-like state he was in (minus the painful drag of his head and feet) made him go along with anything his body was telling him to. and from the looks of it, his body wanted to buy those cheap cookies they sell at the gas station.

opening the door with his full force, he stumbled onto the white tiled floor, catching the attention of the cashier, who raised an eyebrow, but quickly looked back down at their phone. jaemin giggled. “sorry,” he tried straightening his posture. “m’ a lil’ dizzy…”

he turned his back, and his eyes scanned around the small space, bouncing from left to right, up and down. he found the snack section, and walked towards it, nearly tripping due to his shoe laces being untied. it was when he took a medium sized bag of lays in his hand that he realized there was a familiar figure standing behind him.

jeno.

“its you again,” jeno says in his ear, nearly making jaemin flinch from how sensual it sounded. jaemin didn’t need to turn around to know that jeno was smiling.

“go away,” jaemin whines. “i don’t want you here.”

“but,” it takes every bit of self control for jaemin not to turn around and smack jeno. the tone of voice jeno was using was too deep and sensual for his liking, it seemed like he was trying to lure jaemin into a quick fuck or something. “i don’t wanna go away.”

jaemin turns around and pouts, his child-like nature showing thanks to the painkillers. he closes his eyes and presses the heels of his hands to his eyelids.

jeno blinks.

“jaemin?” jaemin hums as a way to show he was listening. he removes his palms from his eyes to look at jeno.

jeno looks away from jaemin, and then jaemin realizes he is awfully close to jeno, the distance between the two basically nonexistent. another thing he realizes is how beautiful jeno looks - he is absolutely gorgeous, from the birthmark underneath his eye, the way his hair slightly fell onto his forehead, his pink lips parted, eyes wide in surprise and - oh, jaemin wants to kiss him.

but is jaemin sober? no. which means that he was going to do something extremely stupid anytime soon.

‘fuck it.’

he grabbed jeno’s arm and walked out, pulling him along with himself, bag of lays long forgotten. he misses the cheshire-like smirk on the cashier’s face as the two ran out.

they ran to the back of the store, and jaemin swung jeno onto his back, caging jeno with his palms against the cool brick wall. without thinking, he smirks at jeno and pushes his lips onto the latter’s.

it was a quick, simple kiss. lips on lips, no tongue or teeth or biting. it was more of a smooch, per se.

jeno’s lips felt amazing, as they looked amazing. they were soft and smooth in contrary to jaemin’s dry ones, and jaemin resisted the urge to just eat jeno up right then and there.

when he pulled away, jeno was looking at him in shock, eyes even more wide. he looked absolutely terrified, and jaemin nearly went into panic until jeno spoke up.

“i...” jeno breathed out, smiling a bit at jaemin (but not enough to make his eyes turn into crescents).

jaemin cocked his head to the side. “you?” he caressed jeno’s bottom lip with his thumb. “what about you?” he smirked at him again. “what, cat got your tongue?”

jeno laughed, eyes turning into crescents, and jaemin found himself laughing with him. the latter shook his head, looking at jaemin fondly. “i liked that.”

“i want to kiss you again,” jeno looked at jaemin straight in the eyes. “can i kiss you?”

by this point, jaemin was still a bit dizzy, but sober enough to back away, yet he found himself nodding anyways. he was feeling bad for jeno, you couldn’t blame him.

jeno smiled at him and wrapped his arms around jaemin’s neck, leaning in and closing his eyes. jaemin did the same, and pretty soon he felt the familiar feeling of soft plush lips against his.

unlike the last kiss they shared, this one was longer, but it still didn’t have any teeth or tongue. it was peaceful, and jaemin would’ve stayed if it weren’t for the fact that he felt his sleeve becoming wetter by the second.

jaemin pulled away reluctantly, suddenly remembering about the wounds he had inflicted onto himself. they’d open up again, there was no doubt about it.

he leaves without saying a word. and for the second time, he leaves a confused jeno behind, watching as jaemin runs away.

🍄🍄🍄

there's one thing jaemin remembers from his childhood, probably the only thing he could manage to remember, a memory of him and his mother sitting on their front porch on a scorching hot summer day, watching the sunset and watching the moon rise. he remembered his mother looked towards him and suddenly told him to be wary of people he didn’t know, to never talk to a stranger and to be cautious about who you trust. back then, he didn’t understand why she was so crazy over him not interacting with people he didn’t know, but he thinks he gets it.

well, at least he understands that more than why yuta grew his hair so long, right?

for the past few days, jaemin had been working on jeno’s designs (it went from being just one flower to more, jaemin had gotten a little carried away but he was sure jeno would like it. and even if he didn’t, jaemin could always go back and do some changes) while yuta took him everywhere he went (jaemin went with him to the store, arrived to work with him, left work with him, and currently he was at yuta’s own house). jaemin didn’t understand why yuta suddenly wanted to take him under his wing and treat him like a son - no, a brother -, but he didn’t protest, he enjoyed the company anyways.

he looks up from his sketchbook to see yuta brushing his long waist-length silver hair, and jaemin takes a moment to appreciate his visuals. yuta was wearing a black skirt, white button up tucked into it, thigh highs stopping just at the end of his skirt. he was pretty, there was no doubt about it.

“jaemin,” yuta calls out, setting his bangs in place while looking at jaemin through the mirror. “i’m leaving to go with sicheng and sana to the mall. do you wanna stay here or come with me?”

jaemin rolls his eyes. “as if you’re giving me a choice.”

yuta grins. “you’re right.” he turns around to look at jaemin properly. “you haven’t met sana, have you?”

jaemin shakes his head, to which yuta responds with an “ah.” he motions for jaemin to walk over, and jaemin complies, still too scared of yuta to protest. “their full name is minatozaki sana. i met them back when i lived in osaka,” he sets jaemin in front of the mirror and takes out a small makeup brush. “so me and them, we go way back.” he takes his eyeshadow palette and dips his brush into the hot pink. “i’m sure you remember sicheng. right?”

“yeah. you did that dragon on him, right?”

yuta smiles as he dabs the brush around the corner of jaemin’s eyelid. “yeah, him.” he takes the purple and mixes it into the middle. “me and him, we got to know each other in that long amount of time. he ended up asking me out on a date when i was done because he didn’t want to leave me behind,” yuta giggles. “so i said yes.”

he takes the dark blue and dabs it onto the other corner of jaemin’s eye before doing the same routine of colors onto his other eye. “me and sicheng were supposed to go to the mall alone, but i haven’t seen sana in a while so i invited her. and well, you’re coming with me too, so…” yuta then takes his pencil eyeliner and outlines both of jaemin’s eyes with it. “so?” jaemin asks. yuta smiles. “i don’t know. i’m procrastinating, i guess.”

taking the eyebrow pencil, he fills jaemin’s eyebrows in, careful to avoid his eyebrow piercing. he applies a thin coat of gloss onto jaemin’s lips. “there,” he steps away and turns jaemin over by his shoulders so he could look at himself in the mirror.

jaemin smiled at his reflection, but it faltered when he realized what he was wearing. his hair was also a mess, hot pink strands standing at the top of his head. as if yuta read his mind, the older spoke up. “i’ll get you into another outfit.”

jaemin nodded, but he realized that yuta would most likely dress him himself instead of letting jaemin have his privacy, which meant that he was bound to see his wounds sooner or later.

he didn’t have a chance to protest though, because soon enough, yuta was already pulling his smallest fitting clothes out. he turned to jaemin. “are you comfortable with letting me dress you?”

and jaemin, being the fearful person that he is, said yes because he didn’t know how to say no to somebody.

yuta’s smile gave him comfort though, and he found himself trusting the elder.

first were the black jean shorts that yuta found at the bottom of his drawers, then came the black knee high socks. and then it was time to replace the black leather jacket jaemin was wearing with a white crop top.

yuta grasped the sleeve and pulled it down. jaemin gulped. this wasn’t going to look pretty. yuta finally pulled it all the way down, and jaemin squeezed his eyes shut because everything was happening too fast and he was about to get scolded and yelled at again and-

he didn’t get the reaction he expected.

“jaemin,” yuta softly called out. jaemin let out a whimper. “did you.. do this?”

he nodded his head rapidly, and was expecting a smack on his face or a loud curse at him, but what he got instead was a pat on the head.

“it’s okay. what’s done is done. i’m not gonna force you to quit, but i do need you to try, okay?”

jaemin opened his eyes, blinking away the tears that were starting to form. he looked at yuta, who had a comforting smile on his face. jaemin nodded and yuta proceeded to wordlessly take the jacket off. it was soon replaced with the crop top, but yuta let jaemin put the leather jacket over it so he could hide his scars.

“you ready?” yuta asked a few moments later, grabbing his bag and opening the bedroom door. jaemin nodded, squeaked out a small “yes” and they left the apartment, leaving behind jaemin’s sketchbook.

🍄🍄🍄

“hey jaemin,” yuta spoke up once they were in the car. “why don’t we invite taeyong and jeno?”

jaemin nearly choked on his saliva, but he caught himself before it could even happen. he looked at yuta in shock, “w-what?”

“you heard me,” yuta took a left. “send them a text or something.”

“i don’t even have their numbers, yuta.”

“send one from my phone, dummy. you already know my passcode.”

jaemin took yuta’s phone and unlocked it, going immediately to his contacts. he found taeyong’s name (the contact name was “yong” with a star emoji) and typed away, fingers trembling.

jaemin hated it. he hated how yuta somehow knew everything, somehow managed to just assume things. he hated it so much.

putting yuta’s phone back where it was, he bounces his leg up and down anxiously, arms crossed against his chest.

it wasn’t long before yuta reached sana’s house to pick them up, and while waiting, his phone received a message.

“oh, jaemin, look!” yuta excitedly pointed to the message on his phone. “taeyong said he’s busy, but jeno can come with us.” he smirked devishly at jaemin. “are you excited?”

jaemin narrowed his eyes at yuta. no, he wasn’t excited. not one single bit. but yuta already knew that, so he turned away from jaemin and watched as sana’s door opened.

the person who came out looked awfully familiar. when they got closer to the car, jaemin realized its the same cashier who works at the gas station he often goes to. his eyes widened. what a small world, huh?

sana gets in the back seat, popping the bubble from their chewing gum. they look straight at yuta, then to jaemin. their eyes widen and they point straight at him,

“yo, you’re that kid who keeps showing up at the gas station!”

well. jaemin was fucked.

yuta raises an eyebrow, and looks at jaemin, then at sana. he smiles. “ah, so you’re familiar with jaemin?” sana shrugs. “a bit. i caught him kissing that other kid the other night, and i see him at night a lot, but that’s about it.”

jaemin freezes. he feels yuta’s cold stare on him, and sana looks down to their phone, and jaemin’s cheeks burn red as he slowly turns to meet yuta’s gaze.

“oh, really?” yuta raises his eyebrows. he smirks at jaemin. “who was he kissing?”

“uh, i don’t know,” sana looks up at yuta. “he was like, this weird grunge kid with black hair. why do you ask?”

yuta shakes his head and gives jaemin one last knowing smirk before starting the car again. “no reason.”

yeah, jaemin was definitely fucked.

🍄🍄🍄

after reaching sicheng’s house, jaemin gave up his seat, sitting in the back next to sana. they had their earbuds in (jaemin thinks it was moe shop that was playing), so he didn’t get to make much conversation with them. nonetheless, he overheard yuta and sicheng’s conversation, something about- flowers??? jaemin couldn’t tell, he kept thinking about how anxious he was to see jeno. they hadn’t met since their kiss, and jaemin was positive that yuta was going to set him up with jeno (come on, you know how yuta is), which only makes him more anxious because he wasn’t ready to see jeno yet.

they eventually reach the mall, with jeno already being there, and yuta and sicheng walk side-by-side, holding hands (ah yes, a lovely couple). sana walks behind them, eyes glued to their phone. jaemin walks next to sana, resisting the urge to tell them to pay attention to where they were going.

they reach the door, and yuta pushes it open. jaemin looks around, eyes darting across the spacious lobby, and he finds a lonely looking jeno at the corner of his eye. before he could do anything - and by anything, jaemin means getting the fuck out of there -, yuta walks over to him and motions for the rest to follow him. sana finally looks up from their phone.

“oh,” they say, looking at jaemin from beside them. “it’s that kid you kissed.”

jaemin face-palmed himself. “will you please stop bringing that up?”

sana snickers, setting their phone in the pocket of their letterman jacket. they both walk up to where the other three are, and yuta turns to sana and jaemin, clasping his hands together. “we’re gonna split up since we’re too big of a group,” jaemin internally laughs at yuta, ‘sure, yuta, sure. you’re definitely not doing this to get me alone with jeno.’ “sana, you’re coming with me and sicheng. jeno, stay with jaemin. can we all agree to come back together in about…” yuta briefly checked his phone. “an hour?”

jaemin nearly gasped. an hour with jeno, alone? wasn’t exactly ideal for jaemin.

he nods anyways however, and sicheng smiles at the rest before grabbing yuta’s hand and walking away, waving as he does so, too shy to speak to the others. sana salutes jaemin and jeno with a whistle, and catches up to the couple, leaving jaemin alone with jeno.

“um..” jaemin turns his head to look at jeno. “hi, i guess…?”

jeno looked back at him, eyes widening at jaemin’s makeup and outfit. his lips parted slightly, and he blinked once - no, twice, and he looked away quickly after. “hey,” jeno responded.

jaemin cleared his throat. “where do you- where do we go?” he looked around, using anything as a distraction. jeno looked over to jaemin,and the latter looks at him as well. “anywhere. can we..” he looks down at the marbled floor. “can we talk?”

“what is there to talk about?” jaemin narrowed his eyes at jeno, and the latter did the same, raising an eyebrow at jaemin’s choice of words. “i’m sure you know.”

jaemin scoffed. “there is nothing to talk about, jeno.” he crossed his arms. “can’t we just forget it ever happened and go on about our lives?”

jeno sighed dramatically. “sure. yeah, we can do that.”

they stood there for a few moments in silence,  
and jaemin could tell jeno was staring at him from looking at the corner of his eye. he side-eyed the latter, and instead of looking away, jaemin turned to jeno, and they stared at each other until jeno blinked and looked past jaemin’s shoulder.

raising an eyebrow, jaemin was about to turn his head, but jeno was quick to stop him, grabbing his arm and running into a random store (an antique store?), and jaemin nearly choked on his saliva.

“holy shit- jeno?! what the fu-” jaemin whisper-shouted, soon muffled by jeno’s index finger, pressed against his lips firmly. jaemin doesn’t protest, instead lets jeno keep his finger there and looks behind them to ensure that they weren’t followed. by what, jaemin doesn’t know, but by the look on jeno’s face, it definitely isn’t anything good.

when jeno takes his finger away, he exhales - in relief, maybe - and jaemin crosses his arms over his chest, looking straight at jeno with creased eyebrows. “lee jeno. what the fuck was that?”

“it’s my ex-boyfriend,” jeno brings his stripe-sleeved arm up to his face and pinches the bridge of his nose. “huang renjun. i’m really not in the mood to see him,” he looks behind them again. “not today, not ever.”

“wow,” the corners of jaemin’s lips slowly turn upwards as he chuckles softly. “the huang renjun? as in-”

“yes, that huang renjun.” jeno watches as jaemin’s face twists into that of an excited one, eyes glinting with mischief and jeno knows what jaemin is thinking about, so when jaemin opens his mouth to speak, it isn’t surprising that jeno turns down whatever he’s about to say before he even says it.

“no, jaemin. i can’t.” jeno sighs, and he motions for jaemin to walk slightly out of the door out with him. jaemin looks out the door, watching as one of his favorite authors stands there and looks at the pretty view below him. renjun’s white (purple at the end) dyed hair is a nice contrast to his all black outfit, ruffled skirt and jacket in all its glory. he can only see renjun from behind, and part of him wants to reach out and bombard him with questions and blabbers about how much he loves the author’s works, but he decides not to, not wanting to scare the smaller away. renjun was too fragile and adorable - jaemin couldn’t bare to hurt him, not even the slightest. he just couldn’t.

“i really like his works, you know,” jaemin explains after renjun leaves, him and jeno walking on the marbled floors of the mall. “he inspires me so much.”

jeno winces. “he doesn’t get that a lot.”

jaemin stops and turns his head curiously. “get what?”

“praise. credit. recognition. attention,” jeno sadly smiles. “funny how he always dreamed of becoming an author, yet he doesn’t get the attention he wants or deserves.” he shakes his head and jaemin feels his heart break because jeno sounds so sad (and jaemin doesn’t like seeing other people sad). “he said it’s fine though. because renjun always says it's fine, even when it's not.”

jaemin wants to ask jeno what went on between them, but he realizes that its a personal question and jeno might take it as jaemin trying to be rude, so he stands and keeps his mouth shut. jeno looks back up and shrugs, eyes darting to the glint of metal in jaemin’s eyebrow. “nice eyebrow piercing,”

“ha. thanks,”

jeno nods as a response and jaemin suddenly gets an idea. he smirks at the former before he lets out a “race ya’ to the car,” and runs out of there without looking back. he heads jeno run after him immediately, and jaemin laughs, loud and obnoxious and he knows people turn around to see what the hell is going on, but he doesn’t care because to be honest, he kind of likes the attention.

maybe it was the rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins, or the serotonin he got when he reached the parking lot, but jaemin finds that he enjoys running like this, enjoys the feeling of running free from all his troubles, enjoys the excitement he gets. he feels at peace, despite his legs aching and feet hurting and lungs burning.

he does, finally, come to a stop when his vision gets too blurry, and he coughs a little bit before hearing jeno’s faint steps behind him. he straightened his posture and jeno suddenly pulls him closer by the waist, and it almost- no, it feels like a reflex, as if they’d done this a million times before and jaemin realizes that he gets lost in jeno’s eyes, and the latter can only do the same before he knocks their foreheads together to the point where he can feel jeno’s panting breaths against his lips and he’s pretty sure the other can feel the same.

“can i,” jeno licks his now dry lips, “can i kiss you?”

and jaemin would’ve said no if it weren’t for the look on jeno’s face, eyes pleading and darting down to look at jaemin’s lips. he doesn’t stop to think about what the results of the kiss would be - and he nods, because jeno just looks too needy and pretty and jaemin absolutely loves it. so, he nods wordlessly, eyes immediately closing.

their lips don’t connect right away. instead, he feels jeno remove his left hand from his waist and feels it rest on his cheek, a firm but not unwelcome touch. he then feels jeno lean in closer, and their lips nearly come into contact before jeno speaks against jaemin’s.

“just for the record, this isn’t the last time i’m doing this.” and with that, they finally kissed, under dim lights and in an echoey parking lot, behind an unfamiliar car and jaemin isn’t sure how they got there.

its just like the last two times they kissed, however, this one is more demanding. he can feel jeno’s mouth opening, and jaemin takes that a sign to lick into his mouth and jeno tugs playfully on jaemin’s bottom lip, making the latter gasp. it then turns into a complete make out session, and jaemin finds himself unable to stop. jeno was just so myrical, he was so good with his lips and tongue and all jaemin wants to do in that moment is to pick jeno up into his arms and hide him away from the world, keeping him safe and loved under jaemin’s touch.

they only pull away when jeno reaches down to plant a small kiss on jaemin’s jaw. they look into each other's eyes, and jaemin starts laughing out of anxiety because he really has no idea what he’s just done. jeno laughs with him, and they only stop when jaemin sits down on the rough, grey ground, jeno sitting next to him.

“i like kissing you,” jeno confesses, elbows resting on his knees. “it feels good.”

jaemin turns his head quickly. “i like kissing you too.” he smirks when he sees jeno looking away, getting flustered. ‘cute.’

they sit in silence for a few moments until jeno speaks up again.

“i see you’re close with yuta,” jeno scrapes the rough ground with the tip of his foot. “i didn’t really expect that.”

“yeah. i work with him, and he kind of took me under his wing.” jaemin watches as jeno looks up to look at him curiously. “oh, really?” he sets his head on his hand. “why is that?”

jaemin pauses. he thinks about his answer, and he realizes that he doesn’t really know why yuta was so comfortable with him. maybe it was the fact that they had both come from troubling pasts, maybe it was the fact that yuta knew what jaemin felt like and went through the same hardships as him. jaemin didn’t know, but he finds that both of those reasons could be answers to jeno’s question.

“i don’t know, really.” he looks at the dim lights above them. “i think it might be because we’re both trans, and he went through the same shit i go through, so i guess he knows how i feel.”

jeno just hums and nods, still staring at jaemin from beside him. “that’s nice,” he says, forgetting about the ground beneath him, “i’m glad you have someone you can trust.”

“yeah, me too.” jaemin brings his cigarette box out, cursing at himself when he finds out he barely has any left, but he nonetheless brings his lighter out with them and nearly lights a cigarette before he notices the look on jeno’s face.

jeno’s eyebrows were so high jaemin thinks they could’ve touched his hairline, eyes blown wide and a face that basically said “i need explanations.”

“oh,” jaemin chuckles nervously looking back down at the box and then at jeno. “sorry. i didn’t- i just-”

“it’s fine, jaemin, i’m not mad.” jeno offers him another smile, the same one that makes his eyes turn into small crescents and jaemin realizes that he doesn’t really mind seeing jeno smile because it’s the most adorable smile he’s ever seen. “just surprised, i guess.”

jaemin tilts his head in confusion. “but you saw me buy them?”

jeno lets out a confused sound. “did i?”

jaemin’s face flushes red in embarrassment with the realization of the fact that jeno might’ve not seen him buy them and he turns away to light the cigarette. he only stops when he hears jeno let out a small “ah.”

“i was pretty stoned those nights,” jeno says, and it's jaemin’s turn to be shocked. he gasps. “lee jeno? a stoner?” jaemin fakes an exaggeratted faint. “i’ve been lied to!”

jeno just laughs, and he takes the cigarettes from jaemin’s hands. “it’s not something i do frequently,” he takes the lighter and inserts a thin cigarette between jaemin’s parted lips. “it’s just something i do when i’m stressed, i guess.” he lights it up, and jaemin thanks him before inhaling.

“wanna know something?”

jeno hums. “sure.”

“i don’t think i’ve ever seen yuta without a skirt.”

jeno snorts, and then he laughs, and jaemin finds himself laughing too because fuck, jeno’s laugh is so adorable and it sounds nice in jaemin’s ears, and it is so contagious that jaemin can’t help but to laugh along.

“i’m serious! he’s always wearing a skirt or a dress-” jaemin reaches out to playfully smack jeno’s arm. “hey, don’t laugh! he looks good in skirts, you can’t blame him.”

jeno’s laughter dies down, but his smile is still there. “you’re right,” he turns to jaemin. “i really can’t. i mean, skirts do look good on him, so.”

jaemin just laughs again, and he tugs the other into a bone-crushing hug, cigarette long forgotten and left on the ground. he really, shouldn’t be giving physical affection to someone like jeno (who, need someone remind you, is getting his skin inked by jaemin the following week after), but everytime he looks into jeno’s eyes and everytime jeno laughs at his jokes or smiles when jaemin smiles, everytime jeno just does something so little as to even look at him, jaemin can’t find it in himself to resist the other.

“i’m sorry,” jaemin says, voice muffled due to hiding his face in jeno’s shoulder. “it’s just- you’re so- fuck, jeno, how do i explain it?” he pulls away momentarily to plant his palms on jeno’s shoulders. “you’re adorable. i can’t help it.”

jeno just smiles at him - a small, comforting smile - and jaemin feels himself tear up because he really, really appreciates the way jeno looks at him, as if he was the only thing jeno cared about in this boring life, as if he was the only person that mattered, as if jaemin was the most beautiful thing jeno has ever seen. and jaemin nearly feels bad because he’s none of those things, but the sweet smile he gets in response makes up for it.

“it’s okay.”

jaemin bites his lip and stares at jeno, contemplating on kissing him again, but his phone buzzing in his pocket interrupts his thoughts. he picks it up out of reflex, and answers immediately.

“yes, hello?”

“jaemin, what the fuck! where the hell are you?”

yuta shouts on the phone, clearly worried, and jaemin suddenly remembers that he agreed to meet up with the other three after they were done browsing. by the way yuta is shouting at him, he knows its been a while since they last saw each other. jaemin curses under his breath and holds a finger to jeno, mouthing a “hold on” to him.

“i’m sorry, i’m in the parking lot.” he states, fidgeting with the sleeve of his leather jacket.

“fuck, okay. which section?”

jaemin looks up. “uh…B18?” 

“that’s not far,” yuta says. jaemin can hear footsteps in the distance. “i’ll see you there.”

“yeah, okay.”

it doesn’t take long before yuta’s there with the other two, and jaemin kind of, sort of feels bad now because he may or may not have wanted to kiss jeno. sadly, their interaction was interrupted thanks to yuta’s worrying tendencies.

behind sicheng and yuta, is sana, long bubblegum pink hair flowing due to the wind. yuta approaches jaemin and jeno, and takes a quick look at them both before giving a firm nod. “let’s go,” yuta sighs, and jaemin can tell he’s exhausted. “it’s getting late anyways.”

jeno looks at the group and is about to say goodbye until yuta interrupts him. “jeno, i’ll drive you home.”

neither jaemin nor jeno protest.

🍄🍄🍄

the ride back home is expectantly quiet, minus sana’s loud music over the headphones, and sicheng and yuta are surprisingly not speaking to each other. jaemin guesses that it’s because they’re tired, since he doesn’t know much about their relationship. there are a few bags in the back that were bought by the three older ones, and jaemin internally screeches at himself for not getting to buy anything and distracting himself with jeno. he sighs, and it brings the attention of the person next to him.

jeno places a hand on jaemin’s, looking at him with worried eyes. “are you okay?”

jaemin smiles at the older. “yeah. just tired.”

jaemin doesn’t miss the look on sana’s face when he turns back to look at the window. their small devilish smirk is enough for jaemin to realize that he’s definitely not going to get away with brushing jeno’s kind gestures off as “friendly” and “platonic” touches. sana somehow saw the two kiss behind the gas station the other day, what’s stopping them from finding out again?

he internally sighs and prepares himself to be interrogated by sana. he knows what’s coming for him.

🍄🍄🍄

jaemin’s home is quiet. cold. it reminds him of himself sometimes, which is the only reason why he ever started living at the apartments in the first place, hallways comforting in an eerie way that only jaemin could understand.

he remembers the first time he had moved in. he specifically chose that room because of it’s eerie demeanor, sending chills down his spine. everytime he looked around the room, it would just get gradually darker, and he wasn’t sure if that was just his vision or not, but he overall liked the vibe it gave off. hence, renting it and starting to live there.

however, the dark vibes he gets from the place isn’t what scares him. it’s the fact that it’s completely the opposite when someone else is in it.

jaemin really had no idea how he got in his current situation. the last he remembered, jeno offered to stay with jaemin after being dropped off by yuta (much to jaemin’s surprise, neither sana nor yuta protested or gave him knowing looks. yuta seemed too tired to even care), next he knew, he had the latter pushed up against the wall with his knee between jeno’s legs.

jeno’s presence made his home seem more lively; vibrant and life-like. it didn’t feel empty anymore. and in a way, jaemin didn’t feel empty anymore either.

he hadn’t felt like this in years.

“jaemin…”

said boy hummed, eyelids lifting to look at jeno through his lashes. like this, jeno looked ethereal; his collarbones showing, lips red and swollen, hair disheveled from how hard jaemin was tugging on it. he looked like a beautiful mess.

“what is it?”

jeno rolled his head to the side, panting from their previous makeout session. “i’m tired.”

jaemin smiled. he knew jeno was tired, but his weak aura only made it harder for jaemin to keep himself from kissing the older senseless. pressing a small butterfly kiss to jeno’s collarbone, he pulled the older off from the wall and onto the bed.

(and no, jaemin didn’t do anything to jeno. he wasn’t willing to go that far.)

“sleep.” was jaemin’s response, throwing the covers over jeno’s exhausted body. “i’ll be right here.”

jaemin wasn’t going to lie, he was tired too. but jaemin is stubborn and he wasn’t going to be selfish and take up the whole bed for himself. besides, he could pull another all-nighter, he was used to it by now.

once jeno says goodnight and closes his eyes, jaemin heavily sighs and walks over to his opened window. the street lights are glowing in the night sky, orange and silver hovering over the cars driving through the streets, cold breeze hitting jaemin’s porcelain skin. the only sound left is the sound of cars driving and the soft wind coming through jaemin’s window, along with jeno’s soft breathing, and jaemin thinks of how peaceful it seems in his apartment. it’s times like these when he wants to pop a few pills and get high before he gets in his head and overthinks, but he chooses not to, considering the fact that jeno was probably stoned (he’d smoked a lot after getting jaemin’s permission) and jaemin knew two high people didn’t make a good duo.

his mind drifts back into the day’s earlier events. really, he barely knew jeno, but the latter seemed to be so attached to him easily, and jaemin could only let him steal countless kisses and glances because he was weak to jeno’s pleading eyes and small whimpers. he went soft for jeno, there was no doubt about it.

and it was weird - how jeno could just magically make jaemin soft like that - because jaemin never, ever got soft for anyone, and that includes his own co-workers. he never showed pity to anybody, never agreed to do simple favors when people asked him to (unless it was an order from joohyun or yuta. he was scared of those two). jaemin thinks its absolutely abnormal for jeno to make him blush and look away just by looking at him.

truth be told, jaemin couldn’t find it in himself to care too much. he liked jeno’s company, even if they had only spent a few days together.

jaemin closes his eyes and hears jeno shift on the bed. he tries to ignore the feeling of sleep (almost) overtake him, and the sudden warmth he gets from behind him, a pair of arms wrapping around his waist, warm breath hitting behind his ear. he tries ignoring all of that, but he can’t seem to be able to even realize. the warmth he’s getting right now just feels so good and relaxing, even comforting.

but jaemin isn’t weak enough to ignore it.

jaemin abruptly turns around and was met with a pair of brown eyes staring right at him. he chuckled and pulled jeno in closer, mirroring the older by wrapping his arms around his waist.

“can’t sleep?”

jeno shakes his head, slightly pouting. he rests his head on jaemin’s shoulder, grip on his waist getting tighter by the minute.

“wanna- talk to you.” jeno says against the crook of jaemin’s neck. jaemin runs his fingers through jeno’s hair, slightly massaging his scalp as he did so. he hummed, the corners of his lips turning upwards.

“about what?” jaemin cooed, pulling away from jeno momentarily to close the window. jeno whined at the loss of contact, and jaemin used all of his self control left to resist the urge to pick jeno up into his arms and baby him until the end of times.

he laughed. “don’t complain, it was freezing.”

jeno slumped. “true…”

jaemin crossed his arms while jeno walked over to stand next him, backs leaning against the wall. jaemin stared at jeno, taking in and appreciating his visuals. how pretty.

“hey, jaemin, about renjun,” jeno mentioned, tearing his gaze away from the younger male. jaemin slightly got excited, but then realized that by the way jeno looked, it wasn’t going to be a good talk. “i- look, i have nothing against renjun. so, like, i’m not talking shit about him or anything. i’m just like, explaining what went on. okay?”

jaemin giggled at jeno’s cuteness. “i get it, jeno. carry on.”

“um, okay. yeah. so, let me start with the day it happened.” he sighed. jaemin could tell this was going to be a long talk.

“i was a lonely seventeen year old. i’d been failing in all my classes, turning in assignments weeks after they were due. weeks, jaemin. i was irresponsible, but i didn’t want to pay attention to it. i stopped caring and i gave up when my teachers all gave me low grades. there were d’s and f’s littered over my grade card…. i was a pretty bad student.

“after that happened, i basically spent my days sleeping in all day and not giving two fucks about the world. it didn’t look good. and i was still failing terribly, which only caused me to sleep more. it was my way of escaping reality.

“but then one day my teachers decided they were sick of me not getting my shit done on time, and paired me up with renjun for the project we were doing. renjun was one of the top students in that class, so they made sure to pair me up with him so i could get my shit done quicker. god, jaemin, renjun was so harsh on me when we first started talking. he told me to get out of my head and “stop being depressed.” not sure what he meant by that, but i don’t really care either way…. anyways, he was really hard on me, and he always made sure i was paying attention in class.

“we once had to work on our project at home, because the due date was getting closer and we needed to get it done. i hated him so much during that time, and i really didn’t want to have to work with him anymore, but he never gave up on me. despite my pleadings, he went out of his way to bring his tiny self… ahem, and his laptop, over to my house and forced me to work with him. like i said before, he was hard on me, always making sure i was paying attention in class and that i was helping him with the project. during his stay over at my house, i started wondering why he even cared about helping me get my grades up, and that’s when i started thinking about all the shit he did for me. i was so stupid, jaemin. i didn’t appreciate his hard work enough, because i was too busy being mad at life that i didn’t even stop to think about my surroundings.

“so i asked him, “why do you care about me so much?” and he stayed quiet. i’m guessing i seemed intimidating then, but renjun ended up responding anyways. he said, “because i know what you’re going through.” and i was confused, because, like, top student in the class! how could he ever understand me?

“anyways… renjun explained to me that he’d been in my position before, and that he understood me completely. except, when he went through a hard time, he was all alone. he didn’t have someone to help him get his shit together. he spent his nights staying up just to get his assignments in check, never getting sleep. that’s when i realized that i got lucky, and i started appreciating his company after that.

“and i’m so glad i did, because after the project was due, he still didn’t stop helping me. my grades went up so fast in such a short time, and me and renjun had started becoming friends. we had our own friend group, too, hah.. anyways. he helped me so much and i started falling for him. i loved his presence so much, jaemin, he was always there for me no matter what.

“i wanted to be the one to confess to him, but he beat me to it. i was so surprised when he told me, and i would’ve stopped and thought about all the signs he could’ve given me, but i was too happy to even care. it didn’t phase me back then, and it still doesn’t. how i didn’t realize he liked me, i don’t know. i don’t care either. anyways, we started dating, and i became the happiest person alive. we graduated high school together, too. i really couldn’t have done it without him.

“even after high school, we still dated, but our friend group was lost. according to renjun, though, it was okay, because renjun always says its okay, even when its not.

“we were fine until he told me he wanted to become an author, jaemin. he had dreamt of it since he was a child, but his parents didn’t approve, so he started writing stories when nobody was looking. he didn’t even show me, his boyfriend. and i understood. we still dated after that, but he started spending more time on writing, and that’s when i realized… we weren’t going to work out. he was going to become an author, and i would just distract him and get in the way of his dreams.

“so, at the young ages of nineteen, we broke up. it was actually a heated argument at first, and it ended in us telling each other goodnight and not talking for a whole week. we ended up talking again thanks to one of our old friends from high school getting our shit straight. we talked about the argument, and renjun agreed that i would just get in the way, so we broke it off and i haven’t talked to him since.”

jaemin rubbed jeno’s lower back soothingly. the latter sighed in frustration, and he shook his head. “i was so stupid, jaemin,” jeno’s voice broke at the end of his sentence. “sometimes, i still miss him, but i remind myself that i didn’t deserve him. i really didn’t deserve him.”

“don’t say that,” jaemin pulled jeno into a comforting hug. “you don’t know that. i’m sure he happened for a reason.”

jeno didn’t respond. instead, he buried his head into jaemin’s shoulder and held him tightly. jaemin just watched as jeno sobbed into his shoulder, arms wrapped around his torso. jaemin shushed him, massaging his scalp gently and closed his eyes. he tried to comfort jeno in the best way possible.

when jeno finally calmed down, jaemin took that as a sign to pull away, but jeno didn’t seem to want to let go (he was basically clinging to jaemin), so he stayed. jaemin wanted to say something, anything to comfort jeno, but he contemplated on saying it or not, thinking that it might backfire. he ended up saying it anyways.

“jeno… i think you might need to talk to renjun again.”

jeno looked up at jaemin, eyes teary and puffy. he sniffed. “you think so?”

jaemin smiled sadly. “yes. by the looks of it, you’re really damaged from what happened,” he ran a hand through jeno’s hair. “and that’s never a good way to end things. i think you need some closure.”

jeno sniffed again. “you’re so good at this,” jaemin wiped the small tears from the corner of jeno’s eyes with his thumbs. “h-how are you so good at this?”

“experience, jeno. experience.”

jeno let out a confused sound. “you’ve been in love before?”

jaemin paused. 

yes, yes he had.

(jaemin couldn’t even remember her name. he taught himself to forget everything about her.)

but he wasn’t ready to talk about it. he wasn’t ready to talk about the pain that came with it, before, during and after. especially not to jeno. he bit his lip, deciding on whether he should tell jeno or not.

“yes,” he decided, voice small in the formof a whisper. “i have.”

“oh i-”

“but that’s not important right now,” jaemin interrupted him. “what’s important is that you go to sleep, because i’m waking you up early tomorrow.” he put his hands on jeno’s cheeks. the latter raised an eyebrow. “for what?”

jaemin smiled. “to talk to renjun, of course.” he rolled his eyes when jeno groaned. “look, jeno, i know you may not want to, but it’s necessary. too much time has passed, you can’t just run from your problems.”

jeno eyed him carefully. “you’re right…”

“mmm, i’m always right, baby.”

jeno blushed at the pet name. “uh right.” jaemin giggled. “go to sleep,” he pushed the older towards the bed. “i’ll sleep on the couch.” he grabbed a spare blanket and a sweater, ready to go to sleep on his cold couch and dream of his traumatic past (or something, jaemin usually had dreams of his own experiences). he turned to jeno again and hugged him one last time. “goodnight, jeno.”

“goodnight, jaemin.”

🍄🍄🍄

jaemin’s been in love. he knows how heartbreaking it is to lose your first love, he’s not stupid. he’s gone through the pain, the ups and downs that came with it. he’s been in love only once, but he knows it hurts. he didn’t need it to happen more than once to know how bad it hurt. but hey, love is a bitch and jaemin knew that. he knew it was nothing like what society tells you it is; it’s intoxicating in a beautiful, heartbreaking way.

“hey, wake up, asshat.”

jeno groaned under him, rolling over to look up at jaemin properly. “i’m tired,” he rubbed his swollen eyes. “i don’t wanna get up.”

“need i remind you that today’s an important day?” jaemin tore the covers off of jeno. “get up.”

jeno sighed heavily, but complied anyways. jaemin smirked in satisfaction. “do you need to get changed? you look..” jaemin eyed him up and down. he was still in his outfit from the night before. “...like a mess.”

jeno laughed. “yeah, no shit, jaemin. i do, actually, so can we stop by my house first?” he ran a hand through his hair. “i kinda need to shower, too.”

jaemin nodded. he didn’t know where jeno lived, but he could easily find out thanks to his persuasion skills.

“i can’t drive, so i got one of my co-workers to drive us,” jaemin checked his phone. “she should be here soon.”

“okay.” jeno bit his lip. jaemin just shrugged and looked away, waiting for a text that indicated their ride was there.

(they might’ve kissed a few times while waiting, too, but that’s none of your business now, is it?)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

to say that jeno was anxious, was an understatement.

the 20 year old was in a rush, eating his banana bread muffin quickly and downing the glass of milk he had for breakfast this morning. according to jaemin, he shouldn’t have been in a rush, but he disagreed, explaining that “i’m about to see my ex boyfriend, of course i need to be in a rush.”

(“ugh, you’re such a dramatic bitch,” jaemin replied jokingly, trying to light up the mood and prevent more tears from falling out of his already swollen eyes. “there’s nothing to be worried about. you’ll do great.”

“but what if he’s mad at me?” jeno sniffed. “he might not want to talk to me.”

jaemin shook his head and patted jeno’s head as a form of comfort. “i’m sure he’ll listen to you. now, come on, you have fifteen minutes.”)

currently, the anxious male was in jaemin’s co-worker’s - ha sooyoung, that was her name - car. he fiddled with his fingers, biting his bottom lip in nervousness. he took a deep breath. he realized he recognized some of the houses on the way. he knew they were going the right way, thanks to sooyoung and jaemin getting renjun’s address out of him.

jeno got nostalgia from passing by all of the houses. he’d gone through these neighbourhoods so many times before, he knew it like the back of his hand. he let his mind trail back to the old memories of him and renjun, all of the smiles and laughter filling his mind. there was one odd, lingering memory that always passed through his head, a memory of the first time he saw renjun cry. the older had just opened up to him, explaining how he felt about his parents not supporting him and how they were unaccepting of his love for writing. jeno remembers the exact words renjun had told him that night; “they told me it was stupid. that i had to focus on studies instead. but it gets too much sometimes, i can’t even focus in class these days anymore, jeno.” ir was a tearful night, but jeno made sure to comfort renjun in the best way possible.

he wondered about the last time he saw renjun. did renjun notice him? he shook it off, deciding that overthinking was too much for him right now.

the car suddenly stopped, waking jeno up from his thoughts. he looked out the window, renjun’s small house in front of it.

“thanks sooyoung,” jaemin said from the front, and he turned to jeno. “you ready?”

jeno took a few deep breaths. he closed his eyes and quickly thought about what he would say. opening his eyes, he looked at jaemin and nodded. “yeah. uh, i think?”

jaemin gave him the brightest smile he’d ever seen. “i’m glad. good luck, jeno.”

jeno gives a smile back, and steps out of the car, walking onto the steps of renjun’s front yard.

this was it. he’s finally going to get closure with renjun, and end their long chapter of life, to go their separate ways in peace.

jeno sighed and hesitated on knocking on the door. he ended up knocking anyways, hearing sooyoung’s car behind him drive away.

the door soon opens to a tiny-looking renjun, eyes wide in surprise.

“hey, renjun. we need to talk.”

⭐️⭐️⭐️

jeno remembers the first time he really saw renjun, the first time he acknowledged his presence. it was history class, his least favorite subject, and it was the only class he had with renjun. it was seventh period, last period of the day, and jeno had been through a lot of shit from the earlier periods before. shit such as stupid, younger kids who called him slurs and made fun of him just for being different. but jeno wasn’t weak, he could take it, he was just irritated and tired from all the torture.

the shitty teacher he had for that class had told them they would be getting new assigned seats, telling students where they sat at the first second they walked in. renjun had been assigned to sit next to jeno, and jeno remembers cocking one eyebrow up in confusion, due to never seeing renjun in that class, or in the school at all. he also remembers the stink eye the older gave him, his words being “what are you looking at? look down at your own paper before i beat you.” needless to say, jeno was intimidated by renjun since day one, and the small fear he got whenever he saw the small boy had never gone away.

especially not now.

jeno glances around renjun’s living room. the walls are a light, beige-y color, very little furniture scattered around the room, a large couch up against the wall and a table in front of it. there’s a laptop on the table, lid mid-open that shows a small portion of a document covered in long paragraphs. probably renjun’s current work. jeno won’t assume.

“it’s been a while, huh?” jeno glances towards renjun. the smaller just shrugs, his attention directed to the laptop in front of them. “i guess. i mean, a year’s not too long.” renjun sighs and sits up, finally looking at jeno. the latter gives a small smile and nods.

“what have you been doing all this time?”

“oh, i’m sure you know,” renjun states, eyebrows raising up, as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. and it was, because it’s quite literally in front of them.

“well, i suppose so.” jeno watches as renjun crosses his arms and looks at him expectedly.

“it’s been a year,” renjun narrows his eyes at jeno. “a whole fucking year. you never called, so if you’re here to get back with me, i’m gonna have to say no-”

“you never called, either,” jeno argues. “and i’m not here for that. look, can we keep this proffesional? i’m not looking for a fight, and from the looks of it, neither are you.”

renjun just tears his gaze away from jeno, looking down at the floor beneath them. jeno knows its not easy for him - actually, it was pretty hard for both of them - but he also knows that he needs to push renjun into talking to him, because if they don’t talk it out now, they never will. and renjun knows that, jeno can tell, they’re just both too stubborn for their own good and although it’s probably not a healthy trait of theirs, jeno is kind of, just a bit appreciative of it.

jeno stares at renjun, waiting for a response. he takes in the older’s appearance. clearly, renjun’s style has changed since they last saw each other properly, cheekbone piercing under the corner of his eye, vibrant socks on his small feet, green jacket in all its glory. the last jeno remembers, renjun was into cottagecore, cute mini skirts and self-knitted sweaters and button-ups. he remembers the looks they would get from other people (and even their own friends), due to how different their styles were.

(“dude, how do you do it?” donghyuck asked from beside jeno, glancing at renjun in front of them, playing with a dog in the field. “do what?” jeno asked back, also watching his boyfriend happily ruffle the dog’s fur while kneeling on the grass beneath him.

“like, how are you dating him? he’s all girly and soft and you’re so…” donghyuck eyes him up and down. “manly and.. emo.”

jeno snorts. “grunge isn’t emo, hyuck.”

“grunge? that’s not grunge,” donghyuck pulls at the chain linked on his leather pants. “pretty sure thats emo. or something.”

“gothic grunge,” jeno states. “it’s gothic grunge.”

its donghyuck’s turn to snort. “sure, lee jeno. sure.”

in front of them, renjun looks up from the dog to look at jeno, and they give each other bright, loving smiles, ignoring donghyuck’s fake gagging sounds from beside them.)

“i’m not,” renjun finally responds. “i just- what, you show up after a year and i’m so- god, i don’t know, jeno.” he eyes jeno from beside him. “i’m just shocked, i guess.”

jeno nods in understanding. “i know you’re shocked. honestly, i am too. but i came here to get some closure with you, not to fight.” he gives renjun a comforting smile. “besides, if we don’t do it now, we’ll never do it.”

renjun side-eyes the laptop. “true…”

they sit in silence for a while. jeno thinks over about what he’s going to say, staring at renjun while doing so. of course he doesn’t know the right words - neither of them do, but jeno knows renjun will at least try his best. like jaemin had told him earlier, “i’m sure he’ll listen to you.” and although jaemin didn’t know how true his words were, jeno did. because renjun would listen to him, he always did, even when he pretended like he didn’t care.

jeno knew renjun like the back of his hand. and renjun knew jeno like he knows himself.

“why’d you yell at me?” jeno starts. he searches renjun’s eyes for a potential answer, but renjun beats him to it.

“i honestly don’t know,” renjun folds his hands. he’s nervous, jeno thinks. “i guess i didn’t want to acknowledge it. i didn’t want to believe you. i didn’t want to believe that…”

“that i would just get in the way of your career.”

renjun smiles sadly. “yeah, exactly.”

he sighs heavily. jeno knows he’s about to pour his feelings out to him, so he keeps his mouth shut.

“i mean, i knew, i just didn’t want to face the facts. i loved you too much, i didn’t want to have to leave you, so i kept running away from it. and then when you confronted me and told me, i panicked and thought, “well, shit.” so i yelled at you out of instinct.

“i kept interrupting you whenever you tried telling me- and i, well, panicked even more when you yelled back. i know you were just trying to wake me up, i know you just wanted to help, but i was too stupid to even try to listen to you. i was so rude about it. and i apologize for that.

“and i know you might think i used my tears as a way to get you to stop and feel bad, but i didn’t. i was crying because of how bad it had gotten. that, and because you were yelling at me. i was scared, jeno. scared of losing you. and i handled it improperly. i’m sorry.”

jeno lets out a light-hearted chuckle, one that he knows will make renjun smile. “god. you’re the exact same person i met four years ago,” jeno feels himself tear up, but he blinks them away. “always apologizing. it’s okay, renjun. i’m fine.”

he sighs and prepares himself to share his side with the older. he’d been thinking over his words since the second jaemin had woken him up, and he thinks he has the right words to say. he’s unsure though, but the encouraging look renjun gives him is more than enough for him to start talking.

“honestly, i’m sorry too. the way i approached the situation wasn’t right, and it was sloppy and messy and i did it at the wrong time. i didn’t expect you to yell at me, but i can’t say i was surprised, either. i knew it would hurt us, but i desperately wanted to find a way to tell you without getting you mad.

“it was bad timing. and to be truthful, i’m a bit glad we didn’t talk after that.. mess. we both needed a break, not just from each other, but from the situation. i just wish we didn’t break up so abruptly.

“when you told me you were breaking up with me, my world kind of… stopped. we were together for a whole two and a half years, so i mean, i’m sure you can understand why i was shocked. anyways… i was heartbroken for months. i still am, kind of, which is why i’m here, but that’s not the point. it shocked us both, and we were both in the wrong. we handled it unprofessionally, and for that… i apologize, too.”

renjun nods. he positions his legs in a criss-cross position, sitting up properly and turning his body to jeno. “i can’t help but agree with you. it should’ve been treated properly, but we’re both stubborn bitches so,” he laughs, and jeno smiles. “i don’t know. it hurts a bit to say this, but i don’t think we were ever right for each other.” jeno gets teary-eyed again, and he can see that renjun is blinking desperately to try to prevent himself from crying, but all it does is make the tears come out faster.

“j-jeno, don’t cry,” renjun wipes a tear with the heel of his hand, a sad smile evident on his face. jeno lets his own roll down his face, laughing light-heartedly. “i could say the same to you, have you looked in the mirror?”

renjun gasps. “oh my god, shut up! i-it’s because you’re about to cry and i j-just-” he cuts himself off with a small sob. “i’m sorry.” he sniffs, and jeno reaches out to pat his head. “don’t be,” he shakes his own head. “it’s not your fault. the universe just hates us, jun.”

this elicits a laugh from both of them, and renjun wipes the last few tears away as jeno does the same. they sit in silence - a comforting silence - and jeno thinks, wow, this is it.

i’m finally at peace.

“we could’ve been beautiful in another lifetime.” renjun says, and jeno nods in agreement. “yeah,” he says. “we really could.”

he gets up to leave, and renjun gets up with him to lead him to the door. once they reach the door, jeno turns to look at renjun. they smile at each other, and renjun extends his arms out, seemingly for a hug.

“come here, motherfucker,” jeno laughs at renjun’s word choice, but nonetheless wraps his arms around the shorter, a platonic, friendly one. probably not a goodbye, but by the way they’re holding each other, jeno certainly feels like it is.

they pull away, and jeno pats renjun’s head one last time. “so, i’ll see you around?”

renjun smiles at him. “of course. now, get out before i change my mind,” he chuckles, opening the door. jeno laughs. “alright.”

“goodbye, huang renjun.”

“goodbye, lee jeno.”

🍄🍄🍄

jaemin sits in sooyoung’s car, looking out the window to see jeno walking down renjun’s steps with a small smile. by the way jeno’s smiling, jaemin can tell he ended things off with renjun properly. he opens the car door and stands on the concrete in front of it.

he’s about to congratulate jeno and praise him, but jeno hugs him before he can do anything. his breath hitches in surprise, but he hugs jeno’s waist (a reflex), and he hears the older laugh behind his ear.

“thank you so fucking much,” jeno says, voice muffled. “i really needed that talk with him. thank you, jaemin,” jeno pulls away from jaemin, and jaemin opens his mouth to say “you’re welcome,” but once again, jeno interrupts him by smooching his face all over.

jaemin laughs, but he doesn’t push jeno away. instead, he holds jeno’s waist tighter, letting the older cradle his cheeks in his large hands.

“thank you, fuck, you’re amazing, i love-” jeno says, and jaemin stops laughing. he raises one of his eyebrows in question, and jeno chuckles nervously. “just a reflex, i guess.”

jaemin rolls his eyes, but not in a rude way. “right. get in the car, jeno,” he smiles, a way to let jeno know he didn’t have ill intentions with the eye-roll. the latter just nods, opening the car door happily and sitting inside.

jaemin follows and sits in the passenger seat next to sooyoung (who was on her phone, not even paying attention to the two). she looks up at jaemin and starts the car again. “you ready?”

jaemin smiles at her. “yeah.”

🍄🍄🍄

even though jeno and jaemin are definitely not strangers at this point, the latter still works on getting jeno’s designs done. the flowers that jaemin had chosen were windflowers, symbolizing protection against ill wishes and thoughts. jaemin didn’t know what it was about the flower’s meaning - perhaps it was because of jeno’s habit of protecting those around him, or maybe it was because jaemin wanted to protect him - but he just knew that they were right for jeno. although he had no plans of putting color, he was definitely up for it, only if the man himself would allow it.

yuta passes by him, and jaemin would’ve ignored him if it weren’t for how cheerful he seemed. that, and… oh, today’s a no-skirt day. cool.

jaemin looks up from his sketchbook, eyeing yuta as the older flipped his now green and black hair, low ponytail landing on his back. he was smiling, but instead of his usual smirk, it was a very wide smile, the brightest jaemin had ever seen. and that says a lot, because he works with jiwoo, and people say jiwoo has the brightest smile on earth.

“yuta?” jaemin called out, setting down his pencil to stand up. said male looked over to jaemin, smile still on his face as he asked, “what?”

“you seem happy today,” jaemin stated, eyeing yuta’s covered legs. “and you’re not wearing a skirt like you usually are. your hair’s a different color, too,” he reached out to run a hand through the older’s hair. “why is that?”

yuta rolled his eyes, grabbing jaemin’s wrist and throwing it off his head, startling the younger. “it’s really none of your business, and i shouldn’t be telling you this, but,” yuta looked around them, as if he were trying to confirm if anyone would hear him or not. he leaned in. “i may have bruises on my legs.”

jaemin cocked an eyebrow up in question. “bruises? from what?”

yuta didn’t respond. instead, he smirked devilishly at jaemin, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind his ear. “well… sicheng might’ve got too rough last night.” he whispered. jaemin gawked in disgust, and scrunched his nose up. he pushed yuta away. “ew! what the fuck, why would you tell me that!”

yuta shrugged, picking at his nails. “you asked, dumbass.”

“okay yeah but you didn’t have to tell me,” jaemin argued. “you could’ve lied or something.”

“oh, well, whatever,” yuta sighed. “get back to work, don’t be slacking around.”

“hmm, i could say the same thing to you, nakamoto.”

yuta shot him a dirty look, resting bitch face replaced with a menacing glare, and jaemin looked away and took that as a sign to shut his mouth and pick his pencil up.

he sighed. today was clearly going to be a long day.

(and joohyun may or may not have scolded the both of them, declaring that they shouldn’t get distracted from work, but in the end, she ended up being too weak to the two idiots.

“you two are going to be the death of me,” joohyun sighed, rubbing her temples. jaemin looks at the older male in front of him, shooting him a rude glare. yuta just shrugs and crosses his legs, finger between his teeth as he smirked.)

🍄🍄🍄

time passed quickly. one second jaemin had just gotten finished with his art, the next it was already wednesday and taeyong was back; with jeno, too.

“hey jaemin,” taeyong greeted casually. he ran a hand through his black hair (damn, was everyone dyeing their hair these days? jaemin might as well dye his own, too), and looked over at sooyoung and jiwoo. “yo, dykes! look over here!”

(jaemin looks at jeno, the latter looking back immediately. “is he allowed to say that?” he mouths.

jeno nods. “he’s bisexual.” he mouths back.

jaemin mouths an “oh.”)

jiwoo waves happily at taeyong, smiling widely, while sooyoung just slightly smiles and waves more subtly. taeyong laughs at their reactions, and he looks back at jaemin. “i trust that you won’t hurt dear jeno over here?”

jaemin nods. “of course not.” he pulls jeno closer to him, grip firm (but not too firm) on his wrist. he looks at jeno beside him. “hey bestie,”

jeno blushes. “oh, uh, h-hey.”

taeyong raises his eyebrows in surprise. if he’s curious about anything, he doesn’t ask it. jaemin just shrugs at taeyong.

“well, i’ll pick him up later,” taeyong smiles. “have fun, jeno.”

jeno just nods and waves at taeyong. once the oldest leaves, jaemin pulls him over to his station to get started.

he sits jeno down and pulls out his sketchbook. he quickly flips through the pages, only stopping when he finds the several drawings of the detailed windflowers. he smiles in pride, and turns the sketchbook over for jeno to see.

jaemin’s eyes immediately dart upwards to look at jeno’s face, expecting an impressed reaction, but instead, he gets a silent response. jeno’s eyes are trained on the paper in front of him, pink lips slightly parted. his eyebrows are relaxed, no sign of emotion showing in them. his eyes, however, are a different story. 

jaemin can’t really see his eyes. they’re covered by jeno’s long lashes, and jaemin can’t look in them and search for signs of pride or disgust, so he settles for asking jeno instead.

“jeno?” he bites his lip nervously. “what do you think?”

no response. all he gets is jeno’s two brown eyes looking up at jaemin slowly. he’s being intimidating.

“you picked windflowers?”

jaemin nods.

jeno looks back down at the sketch. it’s pure silence then - well almost, because the faint sound of the 1975’s fallingforyou is playing in the background - jeno doesn’t say anything, and neither does jaemin. the proud grin that was on jaemin’s face is now replaced with his lips being sealed tightly in a thin line.

“i like it.”

jaemin blinks. “you like it?”

jeno inhales shakingly. “yeah,” he breathes out. “i like it.”

jaemin looks at jeno confusingly. “you don’t seem like you like it-”

“god damn it, jaemin, it’s perfect!” jeno exclaims, getting up and smiling widely. he ruffles the younger’s hair, and then proceeds to cradle jaemin’s cheeks in his hands.

jaemin looks up at jeno, and jeno looks back. they don’t speak. they don’t need to speak; jeno’s eyes say everything, adrenaline and happiness coursing through them. jaemin can only stare into jeno’s eyes as the faint music plays in the back, and its only when yuta whistles that jaemin and jeno snaps out of it.

“shut the fuck up!” jaemin yells, tearing his gaze away from jeno to snarl at yuta from across the room. yuta just laughs loudly and flips jaemin off, and jaemin rolls his eyes. “just here to say that joohyun’s leaving soon, so i’ll be here to take her place temporarily.”

jaemin nods. “alright. what’s she leaving for?”

yuta shrugs, signature resting bitch expression back on his face. “something about a date soon? not sure. she seemed really happy though.”

jaemin scratches his head. bae joohyun? going on dates? since when?

“okay..” jaemin nods, turning his attention back onto getting jeno prepared for the tattoo. he grabs the printed version of the sketch, and turns to yuta. “anyways, i have a job to get done, so if you’ll excuse me.”

yuta scoffs. “uh-huh. have fun with your boyfriend. bye bitches!” he shoots jaemin a toothy grin and two finger hearts. jaemin just blushes lightly, but decides not to give the term “boyfriend” too much attention (because that’s what yuta wanted and jaemin wasn’t going to give in that easily). “bye, prick!” he yells back as yuta walks away while snickering, long ponytail bopping against his back as he skips.

“isn’t he older than you?” jeno asks, head tilted slightly in confusion. jaemin nods. “yeah, but we play around like that.” he sits jeno back down. “it’s nothing serious. we’re playful when it’s appropriate.” grabbing a wipe to clean jeno’s inner arm, he gives the older a smile. “you ready to start?”

jeno nods eagerly, and jaemin just chuckles softly as he wipes jeno’s skin.

“alright.”

🍄🍄🍄

it’s another tiring morning when jaemin realizes he hasn’t taken any painkillers or smoked many cigarettes since he got closer with jeno. he also hasn’t picked up anything sharp to inflict wounds on himself, either, and jaemin feels a bit proud at the fact that he managed to stay clean again. his previous scars are all healed up; only long, cracky pink lines are left on his inner arm, no sigs of scabs anywhere. he partially thanks yuta for checking up on him every once in a while, although it was subtle, and if it weren’t for sicheng telling him the truth, jaemin wouldn’t have noticed.

(“he what?!” jaemin whisper-yells, trying not to let yuta hear him from the bathroom. sicheng just nods, crossing his tattooed leg over his other one from his place on yuta’s bed. “he’s a bit worried about you, to say the least,” he picks at his loose shorts. “i don’t know. all i know is that he has good intentions.”

jaemin scoffs. “right.”

“i’m serious, jaemin,” sicheng tiredly says, dark lined eyes glancing towards him. “i may not know why he’s worried, but i definitely know it’s for a good reason.” he lets go of his shorts, placing a hand on the bed. “oh, by the way, what’s with you and that kid? i heard you two kisse-”

“oh, would you shut up about that!” jaemin whisper-yells again, blushing madly. sicheng just laughs.)

jaemin groans at the memory and tosses his body to the side. he opens his eyes and smiles fondly at the sight of a sleeping jeno hugging his own body, the tip of his nose red from the cold. jaemin cooes and wraps his arms around the older, his hand on jeno’s head and digging his face into the crook of the artist’s neck.

he can feel jeno’s cold nose pressed against his collarbone, warm breath hitting the spot below it. jaemin giggles, and jeno just mumbles incoherent words and looks up tiredly.

jaemin smiles at him. “good morning, angel.” he runs his fingers through the older male’s black hair. jeno just smiles dazedly at him, and reaches up to press a kiss on jaemin’s lips. of course, jaemin lets him, because he’s too weak to the older boy’s kisses, and the pleading look in his eyes.

he also may or may not like jeno’s small kisses and may or may not steal a few when nobody is looking.

how jaemin got himself in this situation, he wasn’t exactly sure. jeno just asked taeyong to drop them off at jaemin’s place after finishing the tattoo (it took three and a half hours and jaemin’s shift had already ended by then), to which jaemin complied, and taeyong did, too. much to jaemin’s surprise, the oldest out of the three didn’t question them, just nodded and drove them to jaemin’s cold apartment.

jaemin sits both of them up. “how’s your arm?” he asks jeno, and the latter just shrugs and brings up his wrapped arm. “it still kind of hurts, but,” he looks over at jaemin and leans in. “the sting isn’t so bad, thanks to you distracting me.”

jaemin smirks at his friend’s (friends? boyfriends? fuck, they might as well be husbands at this point) words, leaning in as well, lips just centimeters apart. “distracting you? i think you’re the one distracting yourself.”

jeno doesn’t respond. instead, he crashes his lips against jaemin’s and hums, hands darting to touch jaemin’s warm shoulders. 

jaemin’s the one to pull away first. “i can’t get distracted,” he warns, pulling the sheets off of them. “i have work today, too.”

jeno whines, but nonetheless lets jaemin go to get dressed hurriedly.

“can i at least come with you?” jeno asks, eyes pleading and lips jutted in a pout. jaemin smiles and leans down to press a small kiss on jeno’s pouting lips. “for what? don’t you have a job?”

jeno shakes his head. “no, i don’t. i usually just rely on taeyong since i live with him.”

jaemin lets out an “ah” and pulls jeno up from the bed. looking in the mirror, he pulls out a comb to set his hot pink hair back in place. “i mean, i guess i could bring you. not sure what you’ll be doing there, though,” he watches as jeno wraps his arms around his waist (that seems to be jeno’s favorite place to hug him) from behind. “you can stay in the back where my boss is usually at.”

jeno smiles and nuzzles his face into jaemin’s neck. “okay.”

there’s silence after that. no music, no wind, just the small sound of their breathing. jaemin stares at their reflections in the mirror as jeno sways them back and forth. jaemin sighs.

“are you gonna let go of me?”

“mmm,” jeno closes his eyes. “never.”

🍄🍄🍄

his co-workers’ reactions to their… relationship, are absolutely priceless.

jiwoo gasped and gave them both a huge smile and clapped her hands out of pride, brown, curly pigtails dancing at the back of her neck. sooyoung just smirked and said “i knew you were gay,” and gave jaemin a thumbs up. joohyun laughed good-naturedly and patted jaemin on the back, telling him “good job” and then proceeding to leave the back room where jaemin had told her, seemingly unfazed by the news.

yuta, however, was a different story.

“so, what are you?” he asks, upper body leaning over the table. he lazily bites into the cake pop in his left hand, crumbs falling on his right hand that was set under the cake pop. jaemin tilts his head in confusion. “what do you mean?”

“like,” another bite. “are you two actually dating? or are you just friends? label yourself or something, i’m confused.”

jaemin looks over at jeno as if he were to answer. the latter just looks back, equal panic in his eyes. jaemin clicks his tongue, and quickly thinks over what their relationship is. they’ve kissed multiple times, jaemin’s called jeno his best friend, they’ve hung out a few times, and they’ve slept in the same bed once. jaemin’s not sure what they really were, but he thinks that by the way they act towards each other, it’s safe to say that they were more than friends.

“he’s my boyfriend,” jaemin states, and jeno looks at him in surprise. “and i’m his.”

yuta chokes on his cake pop, coughing and regaining his stance a little while after. he grabs the napkin on the table and sets the half-eaten cake pop down on the napkin, sighing and flipping his long hair back. he looks at the two, eyeing them suspiciously, and jaemin nearly panics, but the feeling of jeno’s hand intertwining with his under the table calms him down.

“well,” yuta smiles, a genuine one, not like the countless smirks he’d given jaemin before. “i can’t say i’m surprised.”

jaemin laughs, and he watches as yuta throws the cake pop (along with the napkin) away and walks over to jeno, eyeing him with a threatening look.

“lee jeno. i don’t know you that well so i’m unsure of whether you’ll do anything, but i’m gonna ask you to treat my brother jaemin here like a fucking prince, ‘kay?” yuta says, barely any bite to his words at all but the threat is still there. jaemin just scoffs and pokes jeno. “don’t listen to him. he won’t do shit.”

“he really won’t,” sooyoung chimes in the conversation, leaning against the doorway as she crosses her arms and stares jeno down. “he’s just bluffing. he once told me he was going to steal my “mans” because i didn’t buy him a smoothie,” she laughed. “little did he know that i was a lesbian.”

yuta blows a raspberry at her. “i did not! and you offered the smoothie, soo. don’t lie here,”

sooyoung rolls her eyes. “i didn’t, yuta, you’re just crazy.”

“you fucking-” yuta cuts himself off mid-sentence to chase her out of the room, laughing loudly. jaemin can hear joohyun yell at them, and he snickers before turning his attention back to jeno. he eyes the older up and down before getting up. “well,” he ruffles jeno’s hair. “help me clean the table.”

jeno whines. “for what?”

jaemin chuckles. “work is work, jeno.”

(“i don’t even work here!”

“oh my god, you’re such a dramatic bitch.”)

🍄🍄🍄

life is cruel. it sets you up for high expectations that you’ll never get, tricks you into thinking that everything will be okay if you just say it is. life is heartbreaking, and you only get to experience it once.

jaemin thinks that life is unfair. a whole set-up. he also thinks that if he’s not already in hell, he’s most likely on his way.

na jaemin, a 20 year old tattoo artist who used to take pills to get high and distract himself from his internal problems, was never on time to work, drank coffee about eight times a day and smoked cigarettes late at night when the world was fast asleep. he ws a lonely mess and he wasn’t scared of admitting it to himself.

yes, life is unfair. but it teaches you things, how to cherish the good small things and find out who you truly are. it’s just unfair for the wrong reasons to the wrong people.

"ah, life… it’s terrible. i hate it here. it’s really annoying and it’s stabbed me in the back so many times, for so long. my younger years were ruined. i’m still young, though, which means that i can still cherish the next long chapters of my life. i think so far, i haven’t been seeing it correctly. i’ve been wasting it all, spending time on useless things i never should’ve payed attention to. i regret all of it. but i’m ready to accept that i cannot go back in the past to change it. i’m not gonna focus on the past anymore. from now on, i’ll be focusing on the present, living in the moment and appreciating life.

as much as i hate it here, i also kind of like it. no, not kind of, scratch that… i really like it here. sometimes i just stop whatever i’m doing and look out the window to look at the world. sure, my view may not be perfect, but it’s all i have and that’s okay. i like to focus on the good parts, the bare minimum. there’s no point in being sad over every little thing you see, right?

i think this entry will definitely be something i look back at whenever i feel myself slipping back into my bad habits. i’ve definitely learned a lot over the past couple of weeks, and i’m willing to learn more. i’m ready for whatever is coming my way.

p.s., yes, sana, i did kiss jeno. multiple times. and i’d do it again.

sincerely, na jaemin <3"

**Author's Note:**

> HOLY FUCK OH WOW IM SO PROUD. i love this fic sm its one of my best works idc. i wrote this under the span of two weeks, hence why its so long. i have spent so much time working on this and its finally done... words cannnot express how happy i feel. i'll update this note later but for rn i need to think holy fuck
> 
> special thanks to my dad for making me vent and pour my feelings onto this fic! thanks for making me feel like shit, dad!
> 
> anyways hope you enjoyed i love you all <3  
> 


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